Where's the hammer!
by Saffa
Summary: Thor's hammer is missing! On Fury's order's SHIELD scientists have replicated the hammer by the dozen, but disaster has struck ! and the hammers have gone missing - including Thor's Mjolnir. Now Thor must find his missing hammer, punish the criminal and find out: why his beloved hammer!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N – This fanfic was based upon an Avengers Interview that I saw randomly on YouTube. It was hilarious. And the one phrase "Renner, where's the hammer?" made me laugh sooo much. Therefore, I wrote this story based on that one phrase.**

**So I'd suggest watching the video first so that you understand what the hell I'm talking about. The specific bit is at ****2.28 to 2.48 at this link: watch?v=OAiq8y9GR7o&feature=relmfu or if the link doesn't work the type into YouTube "The Avengers on The Morning show"**

**So, please enjoy it~**

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**Where's the hammer?**

**Chapter 1 – Where Thor discovers humans are pretty good at mass production**

_One day at SHIELD HQ…_

It was brilliant summer day and Thor was stuck in SHIELD HQ. He'd been summoned by Fury for a debriefing about his maintenance check on the recently rebuilt Bifrost Bridge. According to Fury, this could prove the push they needed to make alliances between the two planets. Something humanity sorely needed.

And so, there was Thor. Stomping his way through SHIELD HQ, Thor attempted to find Fury's office which was annoyingly difficult to find in the maze like place. According to Stark, it'd been designed this way to confuse any infiltrators. Sadly it affected newcomers like Thor – who would not admit he was directionally challenged – just as badly. Thor walked randomly around the place, turning his head from side to side to look for any directions or clues. It was just as he turned his head back to the area in front of him that a glint of silver caught his eye.

Thor stopped. Took two steps back. And looked straight into the room that had caught his eyes. A breath choked in this throat.

"What!" he exclaimed loudly (for Thor is loud as we all know). Because sitting there on a wooden table was his hammer: Mjolnir.

"My hammer!" he cried and rushed into the room. Several scientists who were sprinkled around on workdesks piled under paper jerked their heads up in surprise at the sudden entry.

"Oh." Said one scientist as he realized who had entered. "Thor."

"What is this…this thievery?" Thor demanded, a thunderous expression appearing on his face. "Why do you have my weapon!"

His raised voice was gathering attention from outside and the scientist stepped forwards to hush the man. "Calm down" he said impatiently. "This isn't your hammer."

"No?" Thor was puzzled. "But I do believe it is my hammer. It looks exactly like my Mjolnir. What is this…trickery…I see before my eyes."

"That's the point." Said the scientist proudly, puffing out his chest.

"Explain." Thor sounded impatient, but curious.

"My name is James Culthold and Fury ordered me and my team to create a replica of your hammer." The scientist explained as he picked up the hammer and twirled it around, as if to demonstrate its lightness. "Fury wanted copies made of all the Avenger's weapons in case we ever needed to mislead enemies."

"Ah, clever." Thor admitted. "But then, if it is a copy, where is the article you copied it from?"

"Oh, you mean your real hammer?" the scientist smiled. "It's somewhere over there." He pointed carelessly in the general direction behind him where there was a second room joined to the first.

"My real hammer." Thor sounded indignant. "How on Asgard did you acquire my weapon?"

The scientist placed down the fake hammer and grinned wide as if he was about to reveal a fantastic secret. "Well, Fury gets the credit." He shook his head with admiration. "He contacted Odin, your father, and asked for permission. So Odin agrees, waves his hands and casts some sort of light that summons your hammer and dispels whatever magic only allows you to handle Mjolnir."

"What?" Thor sounded angry now. "All humans can now touch my hammer! That is inexcusable."

"No, no." James said hurriedly to pacify the god. "It only lasts for a day, then it's all yours again."

"Ah." Thor quieted. "Then that is acceptable."

But his brows suddenly furrowed as he thought of something he hadn't thought of before. "Uh. But why didn't Fury just ask me directly?"

James stiffened. He hadn't wanted this question to come up, but sadly it did and now he had to face the music. "Um…well...truthfully… " he began watching Thor's heavy eyebrows rise, beckoning him to continue. "He was worried you'd say no."

"Why." Thor questioned. "I am a reasonable man."

James facepalmed. _Of course the god believes he's reasonable. All Gods do. Whether they're blowing up Manhattan street, controlling other humans or unleashing large robots to destroy cities. Ah yes, it's all okay because they're soooo reasonable._

James faced Thor's questioning gaze. "Let's just say…that we didn't want to disturb you." _Please be satisfied with that_, he pleaded in his mind.

Thor gazed at his with narrowed eyes, obviously suspicious. But then he suddenly let out a heavy sigh. "Very well Cuthold, son of man, I will accept that reasoning and just trust that I will have my hammer back."

James wiped away sweat that beaded his brow. Fury was totally owing him a holiday.

"Are you finished with my weapon human?" Thor asked.

"Oh." James looked up. "Your weapon. Yeah. We've finished all the tests and stuff so you can have it back."

"I give you my gratitude, human." Thor inclined his head. "Where is my weapon?"

"Umm…" James turned around and walked over to the door. "Somewhere in there…" he trailed off.

Thor walked over to the door and his jaw dropped. Because in front of him there wasn't just one hammer and not even two or three. In front of him was at least one hundred hammers. He gaped openly at the mass of copies. "How many did you make!" he gasped.

"Well…" the scientist looked sheepish. "It was a fascinating opportunity…so we kinda got carried away."

The other scientists behind him mirrored his embarrassed expression.

"So…" Thor began with a doubtful tone. "Which one is mine?"

"Uuuhhh." James stammered looking a little pale. "Which one is his?" he called back to the other scientists. A female scientist scrambled for the main computer and typed several numbers in.

"Umm." She said in a nervous voice. "It's somewhere in there…but it's a little lost."

"Lost?" Thor raised his voice.

The scientist turned around to explain further. "We scientists aren't exactly renowned for our tidiness…but we can find your hammer. We've just got to run the scanner over all the hammers to find which one emits the real Asgard aura."

"Asgard aura?" Thor was plainly confused.

James picked up where the female scientist had left. "Thanks Judy. That's just the name we call the UV rays that the hammer emits. Your hammer emits the strongest so we can just scan for it and we'll be able to find the highest frequency immediately."

"Very well." Thor said, tired of the confusing scientific matters. "Just find my hammer."

"We can do that." James said quickly. "Just give us 5 minutes. Judy, run the scans." He called out.

"Then I shall wait-" Thor began, just as a beeping sound interrupted him. "What is that infernal sound?"

"That's your com-card, Thor." James explained and pulled out the paper-thin computer to silence the beeping. "It's saying you have a meeting with Commander Fury. So you better go."

"And my hammer?"

"We'll have it out by the time you're back." James promised.

"Very well." Thor nodded towards the scientists. "I will trust your words and be back as soon as possible."

With that Thor exited the room, much to the relief of many scientists who slumped in their chair, glad that they had not been fried like chicken.

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_Meanwhile…_

"Found it!" declared Judy much to the relief of the scientists who were relieved that Thor wouldn't fry them with lightning on his return either. "It's in box 14 on the table."

"Good, good." James said. "We'll notify the man when he returns. For now, let's get back to work." He commanded and the other scientists returned to their various projects on the current hammer which sat on the table.

Therefore, they did not see the shadow cross the ventilation roof in the conjoining room where the mass of hammers stood. They did not see the shadow detach itself from the ceiling and drop onto the floor, curiously investigating the hammers. They also did not see the wicked grin that spread across the shadow's face as the person picked up one hammer and toss it easily from hand to hand.

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**There's the first chapter. **

**Originally it was only meant to be a oneshot…but it kinda got a little long. But I promise to upload this thing in one go since I've pretty much finished writing it. Just gotta edit the rest.**

**So hope you enjoyed it. Please R&R to let me know how it went. **

**Over and out – **

**Saffa**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – Here comes the second chapter. So the scientists have promised to find his hammer, Thor is still directionally challenged and dun…dun….duuuuuunn…this weird 'shadow's' entered the picture. Five bucks if you can guess who it is. **

**Well, please enjoy~**

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**Chapter 2 – Where Thor discovers that humans lose things pretty easily **

_After the meeting…_

Nearly 15 minutes later, Thor was done with his meeting. Bifrost had been repaired and there was nothing much to report other than it was fully functional. However, it took Thor nearly another 10 minutes to find his way back to the same room because for some strange reason, whenever he asked an agent for help, they ran in the opposite direction as if struck by lightning. It was a very curious Midgarian response.

Finally, Agent Hill had led him back to experimental room #15. He entered the room with a sigh and promised himself to get that 'GPS' which Stark guaranteed would solve his 'direction problems'.

"Hello humans." He said in an exhausted voice. "Can I have my hammer back now…?"

"Oh, Thor." James blinked at the god owlishly from behind his glasses. "Of course. It's in box 14. Right this way." He pulled off his glasses and guided Thor into the extended room, only to stop still – shocked.

Thor looked around the stock-still scientist and gaped equally as much as the man.

"What…on Asgard…has happened?" he said in a flat voice.

Because right in front of him wasn't the relatively orderly mass of hammers on the wooden table. Instead, there was half the number. And they were scattered around the room chaotically. Some of the hammers were on the table, knocked over and askew. The others lay on the ground in varying states of stacking and mess. It was as if a child had entered the room, danced on the table top and then decided to pile some hammers on each other as if it were lego bricks.

"Did you…umm…decided to do your Midgaridian spring cleaning?" Thor asked, hoping it was the answer.

"Thor." James said, massaging his head. "Spring cleaning would be a hell lotta cleaner."

"Then." Thor said. "What has happened?"

"I'd like the answer to that as well." James muttered. "Judy! Scan the room again. Check is Thor's hammer is in the room."

A few seconds later, the woman called back a negative response. "Sorry, no. It seems about half of the hammers we had before is missing."

"Damn." James swore, kicking the wall. "Can you scan the entire floor to find where the hammers are?"

"No." Judy shook her head. "Too wide of an area. But if you use this hand held scanner, it can scan up to 50 meters are you. That way you can track it down Thor." She proffered a grey radio-shaped box to Thor.

"Um…" he said nervously. "What do I do with this…thing?"

"You wander around with it and if a hammer is nearby, then a signal will appear on the machine as a dot." Judy explained patiently. "The closer you are, the closer the dot appears."

"Very well." Thor said with a sigh. Today had been a long day. "I will go retrieve my hammer."

"Oh, by the way all the hammers emit this signal." Judy added. "But your hammer should have the strongest signal." She tapped the machine. "The dot will be red instead of blue, okay?"

Thor nodded, not really getting it but understanding that red was better than blue.

"James, go with him." Judy ordered, sounding more in charge than the man. James just nodded, looking very pale.

With that, Thor and James set out with the radar in front of them. Both pleaded hope that the hammer would turn up quickly. And that no one would get fried at the end of the day.

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**A/N – So Thor's lost his hammer and it's time to go find it. Off they go on their merry way. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was a lot shorter but whatever~**

**Over and out –**

**Saffa **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N – So Thor has set off on his epic journey to find and retrieve the LEGENDARY, the usually HEAVY and the longlost HAMMER of his dreams. Nah, well he's off to find said hammer and of course everyone gets interested when the tough gets going. **

**After all, what's a story without a group of people following the angst ridden, challenged protagonist. Go Thor!**

**With that said, pleas enjoy~**

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**Chapter 3 – Where Thor discovers too many chefs does not ruin the broth, but complicates the hell outta making it**

About 5 minutes later and a lot of angry faces at the irritated faces at the beeping sounds the radar made, they found a hammer.

"Well…" James said, trying to sound optimistic. "We found one. Only thirty more to go…"

"This is not my hammer human." Thor spat. "Ignore it."

So they continued again.

And they found another two hammers.

"Wrong." Thor said, indicating they should continue.

And so they continued.

Until they stumbled into Bruce. The scientist/doctor looked at them curiously, recognizing the two as a strange pair. "What's wrong?" he asked, eyes drawn to the radar.

Thor explained. "I've lost my hammer." James had to explain the rest.

"Ah." Bruce said, propping up his glasses with a knowing look. "I see."

"Can you help?" Thor said, sounding more and more irritated.

"I'm afraid not. At least not easily." Bruce apologized. "The radar's probably your fastest option."

"Tch." Thor clenched his teeth. "Then let us continue." Bruce nodded at his persistency and decided to join the wild goose chase.

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Three minutes later, the three men stumbled upon another pile of hammers. None of them of course were Thor's. Thor angrily wanted to continue, but Bruce looked at the pile with further interest.

"What's wrong Banner?" Thor demanded, his patience fast evaporating.

"Ah." Bruce said slowly, fingering one hammer. "It's just that it seems like a trail to me. As if these hammers are leading the way to the final prize."

"If so." Thor muttered. "It better lead to my hammer."

"Let's continue then." James said in a tight voice, evidently hoping it did not end with destruction. Being around the Avengers tended to end with that.

"Continue what?" came a level voice. The three men turned around to see Steve walk over to where they were. "What are you doing?" he said, pointing to the pile of hammers.

This time, Bruce explained.

"Oh." Steve nodded, slightly understanding what was going on. At the very basic, he knew Thor was in trouble. "Let me help look." He offered.

Thor clasped one hand to his shoulder. "Thank you. You are a good man."

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It was about 500 meters later that the group encountered their next hammer pile. Negative, of course.

Thor looked like he was going to burst a vein at this rate.

"Calm down." Steve said pacifyingly. "It'll turn up somewhere."

Thor snorted.

"Hey, big man." came a cocky voice. "Why the sour face?"

It was Tony of course, strolling down the corridor whistling. "You look like you've lost a penny but found a pound. So to say." He stopped as Thor's face darkened. "What?"

This time Steve chose to explain.

"Ah." Tony said. "Bruce is right; this is probably the fastest way."

Thor grunted his reluctant agreement.

And so they continued.

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About 10 minutes later, they found another scattered pile of hammers. This time, they were sprawled across a staircase as if someone had dropped them from the top stair.

Tony squatted next to one hammer and admired the craftsmanship. "Nice use of material and binding."

James positively glowed. "Of course. We used pure steel on the outside and made a mould so that the inscription would be exact. And for the handle-" he stopped as Thor started growling. "It was made of leather…and umm shall we go?"

"Go where?" a voice from behind the door said as it opened. There stood Natasha, looking with a raised eyebrow at the mess of hammers before her. "What's this mess?"

Tony decided that everyone else had enough and it was his turn to explain.

"I see." She said shortly. "And I think I know who did this."

"Really!" Thor grabbed her by the shoulders, looking excited.

"Slow down cowboy." She shrugged herself out of his grip. "I said I think. Not that I know."

"Tell me." Thor demanded.

"Yes, who else would it be?" Steve asked curiously.

"It's a theory. But let's find the end of this trail first."

"Why?" Tony asked.

"Because it's probably faster to find the hammers first than find the man himself." She said, and then strode out of the door as if to lead the way.

"What are you waiting for?" she asked. "Let's go."

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20 minutes and about a dozen hammers later, they found themselves standing in front of experimental room #15 again.

"What the hell?" James said, taken aback at their circular path. "The hammer trail leads here?"

He turned to the radar Thor held and confirmed that a red dot blinked.

"Well." Tony said, rubbing his hands together. "What are we waiting for?"

Natasha opened the door and the myriad of scientists inside looked up with surprise. Judy to a step forwards as if to ask if they had found the hammer, but immediately saw the empty hands and chose not to say anything.

"Apparently…" James said to answer everyone's questioning gaze. "The hammer is in here."

"What?" Judy looked shocked. "But we scanned the room and all-"

"Let's just look." Steve interrupted her. "It'll be faster."

"But we've locked the door since you left. No one should be able to get in an out."

"Thing is." Natasha said as she took the key and unlocked the door. "There is another way in and out."

"Oh?" Bruce looked interested. "Where?"

"As a spy, I should know." She said. "The ventilation."

Understanding dawned on everyone's faces as Natasha opened the door. And there was the answer to their entire situation.

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**A/N – So they've found the criminal. Have you guessed who it is, coz it's pretty easy to guess now. As I was writing this, I was remembering that commonly used Japanese joke…**

"**Have you lost a GOLD hammer or a SILVER hammer?" – mysterious voice from the lake.**

**Thor – "Neither, just a godly hammer that strikes lightning."**

**Lightning strikes as Thor summons hammer and mysterious voice die. Oh well. **

**Anyway, away from the rambling. Last chapter is next!**

**Over and out-**

**Saffa~**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – And the 'criminal' is revealed. Though I'm sure by now you've all figured out who it is. Pft. It's pretty easy seeing who's leftover. **

**Enjoy~**

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**Chapter 4 – Where Thor discovers hammers may be meant for juggling **

_An hour ago…_

Clint had been crawling along the ventilation shafts on Fury's orders. He had to check the traps placed there were functioning so no one could infiltrate easily. And then, as he was crawling he'd discovered a very shiny room.

So curious Clint had dropped into that room to check out what was so shiny. And of course he found a hundred (give or take) silver hammers gleaming on the table.

It was fascinating.

He picked up one hammer and began whirling it around. They were surprising light and moved easily in the air. They were actually…kinda…fun to play with.

So he decided it'd be a good surprise for Thor. He'd scatter a few around base, see some amusing response and then return it to the scientists in the end. All in a good day's work. Steal from the rich and give to the poor etc etc.

But he found that not all the hammers were as light as he'd thought. The ones which were too heavy got tossed to the floor. After a while, he found that the shape was tessellating enough that they could stack. So he stacked them when he ran out of floor space.

The others: well, he slipped them through the ventilation shaft. He dropped a few on the way through other shafts, but managed to make piles out of them as well. More for everyone to look at.

Clint had great fun doing this until he picked up one hammer which at first seemed normal, but after a while seemed to glow weirdly. It was a subtle glow, but Clint decided to return this hammer – lest it be the real thing.

And so Clint had crawled back to experimental room #15 to replace the hammer, only to find out that he could actually juggle the hammer because it was probably the lightest of them all. It was great fun!

He could toss the hammer as fast as he'd toss the juggling balls back in Carson's Circus and still not drop them. Clint had started with one hammer, then two, then three and right now he was on six. Maybe he hadn't lost those circus skills after all.

And it was at this particular moment in which Natasha unlocked the door and opened it, revealing Clint balancing on hammer on his nose and tossing the other six. He blinked at Natasha with surprise and dropped all six hammers promptly.

Everyone stared at him.

Then Thor broke the silence. He ran forwards and picked up the hammer that was still balancing on Clint's nose.

"My hammer!" he cried out, tears forming at his eyes. "I have reclaimed you."

"Clint?" Tony sounded skeptical. "Why Clint? And how did you know Natasha?"

"Uh…well…" Natasha looked sheepish. "Clint has a little fixation for shiny things." She explained. "And juggling."

"Natasha." Bruce said sternly. "Clint is named Hawkeye, not Croweye."

"What can I say." She shrugged.

Steve just sighed.

James however was slumped on the floor in a dead faint. He was far too relieved at finding the real hammer.

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**A/N – So it was Clint. Of course if you all watched the video from chapter 1, you'd know that it was based on Jeremy Renner who of course is the actor for Hawkeye. So, not really much of a surprise. But it was good fun to write. **

**There's one more chapter to go, just to wrap things up. Hope you enjoyed it.**

**Over and out-**

**Saffa **


	5. Epilogue

**A/N – The final chapter, more of an epilogue, just to tie the ends. Hope you enjoyed the whole thing. And it is also my first completed fanfic! Yay~**

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**Epilogue – Where Thor discovers all does not end well**

So all had ended well, so to speak.

Natasha and Bruce both reprimanded Clint heavily, punishing him for playing with what was not his. Tony had found the whole thing hilarious and went home clutching his stomach with laughter. Thor was just glad he'd found his hammer and so forgave Clint for the whole trouble. He even allowed Clint to play around with his hammer in future so long as he got it back in the end. Steve just shook his head.

However, James had fared much worse. He went to Fury immediately.

"Fury." James pleased, massaging his temples. "Can we stop this project, please?"

"Whatever for Agent?" Fury looked at him with one eyebrow.

"It causes too many headaches." He had complained.

But Fury denied him this pleasure, deeming it more important to continue Project Mimic. Instead, he gave James a three week holiday to calm down.

So I guess all's well that ends well.

* * *

_Three days later…_

"What's wrong Thor?" Bruce asked looking up from his science magazine as the Norse God stomped into the room.

"My hammer's missing again." He muttered.

All the avengers were in the room minus one. They all hung their heads and sighed.

In unison, they called for the missing Avenger.

"Ooooh Barton, Where's the hammer!"

**Fin.**

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**A/N – I just had to put that line in somewhere. It was too funny. Anyway, that's the end of this. If you watched the whole video, then you'll know about the 'resting face' bit.**

**Well that's the plan for my next oneshot. And this one will be a oneshot because I've got a few other Avenger works to get done. (Bows and apologizes to the other stories which i neglected for a bit to get this story done and outta my head) But i'll be diligent...sorta...**

**Hope you enjoyed the whole thing. Thanks for everything~**

**Over and out –**

**Saffa **


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